one

July 7, 2009 I had gastric bypass surgery. I clocked in at 380lbs that day as I entered in the hospital. I have always been overweight and at night each night I would close my eyes and picture a life where I was thin and ultimately happy. However, being thin was blinding and I truly believed that being overweight was the only thing stopping me from being happy. I was wrong. Being overweight that severe and out of control was caused by severe depression and issues that no surgery could cure. I was warned by therapists and doctors that after having this surgery there would be a long and tough road ahead of me, and I thought I understood but I didn't. I had to start my life over from the beginning. I not only had to start over by learning to eat again. (starting from drops of water, to liquids, then pureed foods, and then extremely small portions) but I also had to learn to live again. I had a mask to hide behind called obesity. I had comfort when I needed it. At the end of a long day I could go home, kick off my shoes and eat until I felt better or tired to go to sleep. It was a great coping mechanism and it didn't judge me. But I didn't want to have something like that controlling my life the way it did. I have always been against drug addicts or addicts in general, but I had and still have a huge addiction to Food and it is something that no detox is going to cure. Fiood is something that I need to live unlike substance abuse, food is something that I can die without. I always have to say to myself that I won't die if I don't eat junk food.
             It has been two years since my surgery. I have lost 200lbs and gained 20 back from it. I know compared to where I was 20 lbs is not nearly as bad as the 200lbs I could have gained back, but I am scared of going back to the person that I was before. I am starting a new diet today. My goal is to be 150lbs by Christmas and I don't think it is a hard goal to reach. I have already come this far and I know that if I work hard I can do this. I have stopped drinking, its been 2 months since I've been out drinking all night, and I am off all medications except for my vitamins and supplements. I have a good support system and I see a therapist to help with post bypass surgery issues. I have a wonderful family and a fantastic man in my life along with his family.   I know that I can do this if I put my mind to it. And today is day one.


              Things that are in my way of success: constantly thinking about food. I am always hungry. The surgery restricted me from eating high quantities of food but it also causes faster digestions and ultimately hunger throughout the day. I can eat something and have it digest within the same meal. A constant graze is what I am worried about. If I order something I cannot eat a lot of it in one serving but I can eat it throughout the day. I need to not graze, and I need to cut out all the crap foods. I still have excitement for food. I look forward to the next meal and I always want to go out and everything I like has something to do with food. I think about food constantly.. mostly because I am hungry. Not working also triggers my hunger because I am bored. I need to keep myself occupied and away from the refrigerator. I am done working at a desk all day. I am searching for a job that forces me to stand and walk all day and more social interaction. I cannot work in an office anymore.Office means social events with food and people ordering out. Although I have restriction with Food I don't with beverages and calories can be obtained through drinking soda and other sugar filled beverages. I need to drink a lot more water and a lot less sugar based drinks.

Day 1. Today I woke up at 9am and drove to my parents house. I had a bowl of Special K with Strawberries and some milk. at 10:30 I was hungry again. I had a slim fast shake. around 12:00 I had a hand full of nuts and some celery with a tad of peanut butter. At 2:30 I had a special K protein bar. I also had a cup of black coffee. I plan on walking for an hour or so today, taking my dog for a walk around the neighborhood. For dinner I am thinking a big salad filled with veggies with some oil and vinigar dressing and some grilled chicken on top.