I couldn't sleep very long. Woke up at 3am and decided to go to my parents house and rummage through a bunch more clothes that don't fit anymore... some that are too big and some that just don't fit right. I dont know how big or small someone is... some clothes just dont look right on people. I also want to get rid of a bunch of shoes and purses that I just don't use anymore. I want to start the day off right by going to the gym nice and early.. head over to Frans for some morning coffee and bullshit and then I am taking a ride up to Weathersfield to platos closet and selling the stuff that I don't want to keep around anymore. I must have garbage bags full of each size from 20 to 12's now. I want to keep most of the 12's but everything else there's just no reason for it anymore. If I lose weight I will just buy more and if I gain weight.. which I hope to god I wont.. then ill just have to buy more as well. I am really worried about Tim's blood pressure. It's been keeping me up all night and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. He has a doctors appointment on Friday with Broadway Medical Group so hopefully they will put him on some medication and he will start to feel better soon. I think his headaches and blurred vision has a lot to do with his hypertension.
I received my business information in the mail today. I have been handing out cards to everyone I know that is around children or possible people who may be interested in Piano music. I hope that some people will be interested in taking lessons. There have been a few potentials but due to some issues that was really not necessary in the slightest therefore it was mutually decided not to continue lessions with a client although it saddens me because she has very good potential of learning music theory and doing very well with lessons. . Lesson learned. I just keep to myself and know that things will work out in the end for some new people and if not then there will always be other opportunities.
Ahhh.. a nice warm cup of coffee. 4:15am and I am ready to go.. I have a load of laundry running.. some soft meditative music playing and I am almost getting in the mood to do some hardcore cardio. I think I am going to switch up my routine to an hour of the olliptical and then do some toning of arms and legs as well as some hip abduction and try to do 15 minutes on the stair master. 10 minutes killed me last time but if I keep stepping up little by little.. I will have more strength and will power to do more.
I am still beating myself up over having mcdonalds yesterday. I called my girlfriend and told her that I just can't do it and no matter what I say to convice her to just not go near the golden arches. Tim and I don't go out to eat anymore. It is unnecessary and completely unhealthy.
I told myself when I lost weight that I would never be judgemental towards people who are obese but I cant help myself. I know first hand what it was like being over weight and I did something about it. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make for myself but I stepped up and took the chance. I don't regret it one bit. I went through some hard times with my depression but honestly it was because I was finding myself and being a brand new person. I see people who are extremely overweight and part of me feels sorry for them but the other part of me just see's someone who has given up on life. I don't care who says it.. people who are morbidly obese are not happy no matter how much they pretend to be. I know, i've been there. You may not need to have gastric bypass surgery and you may be totally against the surgery all together, but its been two years for me and it has worked out to be the best decision I have ever made in my entire life. No more quick diets that last a week.. losing 10lbs.. going back to a binge and then gaining more.. I dont have to ask for a table because I cannot fit into a booth, I can go on every ride at six flags twice.. I can put a seat belt on when I fly in an airplane, I can get up off the couch without using all of my efforts. I don't run out of breath when I walk up the stairs, I can go into a store and try on clothes without hating my body in those mirrors, and I can be comfortable and be secure with who I am because I have the confidence that I never had before. I dont need the latest fad. No more cabbage soup diet or smoothie diet. I do enjoy weight watchers and special K diets only because it gives me the nutrition that I need and its quick and convienent. I dont have to worry about my weight fluctuating besides a few pounds here or there because of this surgery and most of all, diabetes hypertension and infertility is never going to be an issue for me.
I used to be a very jealous person. I was very insecure with myself and it was shown with all of my past relationships starting from high school. I had a very good looking boyfriend in high school who was captain of the track team and was in very good shape. A lot of girls found him attractive and looked at him like what is he doing with a girl like me and I knew it. The more these girls did that the more insecure and jealous I was so the weight began. Ultimately the jealously ended our relationship. He went on to be a Marine and is probably doing very well for himself but because of my insecurities things didn't go the way I would have liked them to go. I also know that he wasn't the one for me, but for years I thought it was my fault things didn't work out. I have come to the realization that it just wasn't meant for me and I moved on.
After Mike I dated a few people and got a few notches on my belt. Nothing steady like my high school romance but college was college and boys were boys. When I worked for Verizon Wireless I met a boy named Jayson who eventually moved in with me in a place in Middletown. I too was very jealous with him only because I knew a friend of mine at the time was also interested in him. She was thin and pretty and would sleep with anyone who gave her any sort of attention, so I was worried. I didn't trust Jayson, and because of my insecurites of my weight I gave him a hard time most of the time. I couldn't deal with it so after 8 months of living with him and dating him I packed up my belongings and headed to Arizona to live with a girlfriend of mine and her husband. He was a police officer which was a change of scenery for me considering my group of friends weren't exactly with the law. I knew that their marriage wasn't going to last because she never could keep anything in her life for a very long period of time.. whether it was a friendship, a job, or a boyfriend. She was always looking for the bigger and better deal. Typical narcissist and after about a year of living with that torture I moved back home to live back with my parents for the first time since I was 17.
I think that is when I started to gain the majority of the weight was when I came back from Arizona. I was definietly obese when I went moved out there. I remember not being able to put my seatbelt on and being uncomfortable sitting in the middle seat leaving no room for anyone else sitting next to me, but when I came home I started hanging out with friends, going out to the bar a lot, drinking very heavily and partying all week long. I started working for an insurance company in hartford and I made good money and didn't have any bills so most of my money went towards food, friends, and drinking. Having a sedentary position was the not the best idea. constant sitting, constant eating, no exercise. I must have gained 100lbs in a year and a half. I started hanging around a girl who was very big as well. A few of them actually and when overweight people hang out together they do overweight things. I became very close to my friend Laurie and she always talked about having the surgery but was always scared to go through with the procedure. I wasn't scared. I gave it my all. Two days before my surgery she stopped breathing on her own. She was on life support the entire time I was in recovery of my surgery and two weeks after my surgery she passed away. She was 28 and 550lbs. It broke my heart but she was a big inspiration for me to do what I did and I know that she would be proud of me. I remember having a conversation with her and she said that she was too heavy for the surgery and there was no hope for her. I always was uplifting and supportive and told her that if I do the surgery and show her it was okay then she would have to do it so we could look sexy together. I think she knew her time was coming to an end but want me to succeed and always encouraged me to lose the weight even to her very last day.
Other people in my life weren't as supportive. They were very mean and always had something negative to say about every decision that I made regarding this surgery. They would tell me I was going to die or that I was going crazy but they didn't understand that I was becoming a new person and that my whole life was changing. The more I lost weight the more weight they gained. I don't know if it was because they were upset and it triggered their emotions, but a few of my overweight friends began to resent the fact that I lost the weight. I remember someone telling me that they couldnt even notice that I had lost any weight at all while other people would constantly compliment me on my improvements. I felt sorry for those people. I didnt want to shut them out of my life completely because I knew what it was like to hate and be resentful but ultimatly in the end I stopped talking to most of them.
I stopped talking to most of the people that I was friends with before surgery. Why have friends that bring you down all the time. The friends I thought I could trust turned out to be complete scumbags. The one person I fell in love with treated me like absolute crap and made it an everyday routine to belittle me and crack jokes about me. I didn't need any of that bullshit in my life anymore. I didn't need the fake friends and the fake people who would smile to my face then make fun of me when I left. So I packed up my life and completely shut them out. I know some of them I said some bad things about, but they deserved a lot of it as well. There was not one person in my life at that time that truly was my friend 100% and if they think that they are in complete denial. I at least can admit that I was shit to them because they were shit to me.
I started dating Ben around last February. We met on match.com and we jumped into the relationship very fast. I wanted out of my apartment and he offered to let me live with him. We lasted only about 3 months before I couldn't handle being with him anymore. He is a great friend, but has no idea how to be a good boyfriend and was very selfish. No matter how much I tried to do something with him he just wasn't willing to put forth any effort in being a boyfriend to me. His best friend however would always come around and take walks with me and go out with me when I had noone to hang out with. I broke up with Ben and started dating Tim. We have been together over a year now.
Tim has a 13 year old son who is absolutly wonderful. He keeps me young and alive and definietly busy. We are able to do fun things together and include his son in everything we do. We spent our one year anniversary in Long Island and took Jake on his first ferry ride. We took him to Ozzfest last year and megadeth this year. He is starting school in North Haven this year which is wonderful because we will be able to be closer to his school for lacrosse games and ensuring that he is doing his homework and keeping up with his school work. I am not jealous with Tim. When we go out his eyes are on me the entire time. He loves me for the crazy lunatic that I am and I love him for the sarcastic weirdo that he is. He has also lost a lot of weight. About 120lbs so we have a lot in common. He is just the perfect fit for me.
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