I put on a shirt by Vera Wang and the chaos of colors reminded me that fall was coming. I am anticipating sweatshirt weather, pumpkins, and the changing of the leaves. Mostly I am just glad that August is almost over. The past two Augusts have been horrendous and I found myself looking for sickness or tragedy this year. So far so good with Tim. I even went to the doctors myself.. found out that I need glass and three wisdom teeth extractions. (ahhh)  We have seen Black Sabbath, Gone out a few times, and Tim finally got to go to his amx/amc car show that he has missed two years in a row. I laughed because there was only about 20 cars there and we only spent about an hour but it was just something he was able to do that he couldn't before so it was just a happy moment. I am looking forward to going to Silvercity for the truck show this year and see friends that we haven't seen in a while. It will be nice to get August out of my life for another year and move on with September. I've been working at the hospital at nights and Tim has been able to begin driving again so dropping me off and picking me up at work has been a huge achievement as well. I don't mind working at night because I have the entire day to relax and concentrate on other things besides the hospital. I love my job. The patients are wonderful and my Co-workers are so supportive and genuine to me but there is just no morale within our tiny department. Everyday I think of new ways that we can bring forth happiness within ourselves as a group but I am constantly shot down and its growing to be a huge disappointment. . I hope it changes and that we can find a cure to this unhappiness but until then I just clock in and do what I love the best and that is trying to put a smile on someone's face, and put them at ease during a very difficult time in their life. Nobody wants to be in a hospital setting so I try to make the most out of it by doing something nice for each and every patient that I encounter for the day. Insurance is not what I wanted to fall back to but the salary is nice and well... sometimes trying to advance in a career just doesn't work out because of politics.  I have been talking to a few of my Doctor friends for advice while I finish my degree because I know that I can make a greater impact somewhere in the hospital.. What I want to do is start doing patient advocate work and dealing with end stage renal disease patients while they transition into a dialysis program. I want to be a liaison for them while they go through a tough lifestyle change. I am thinking of creative ways that I can begin doing this and possibly on my free time donate my ideas to surrounding centers in hopes that someone will find me useful. Everyone tells me to write a book. But I like interacting with people and working with them not just writing down some useful advice. I'm stuck. September is about change. I am turning 28 this year and I have determination in my eyes. Its time to start back on track with my career and advancing my life for the better. Tim is holding it down and is in a much better place than 2011 2012 and 2013.. its time to make 2014 the year for me.

weight loss

Besides the headaches caused by double vision Tim is doing miraculous. His walk is getting better day by day and his speech is clearer and easier to understand. We just got ourselves out of debt and moving forward after all the chaos the past year. Spring has arrived and things are changing. School is just about half over and I received my midterm grades and they are great! I am looking forward to another semester though I might go back to gateway.. I haven't decided yet. Tim is working on his car and excited to start building the engine that he wants.. although very expensive. April 03, 2013 will be one year of Tim's kidney transplant.. we are having a get together to celebrate our Kid(ney)'s one year birthday :) It should be a good time. A bunch of my co-workers are coming to celebrate. They have been very supportive through my struggle with Tim and I've met some really wonderful people working there.
          Now that things have settled in it is about time for me to get back to where I was with my weight. A lot of stress was put on me and I went back to my old habits of eating. Although I had the surgery there are ways around it and I've found it. I want to be able to wear the clothes I was able to wear a year ago. I asked my friend Chris for help since he works out almost everyday. He suggested that I sign up for Warrior Dash 2013 and work towards that goal. It is September 21, 2013. Yesterday was my first day back to the gym. I used to work out everyday with Tim but now things are a little bit different. I am kind of glad that I put back on some weight because now I can lose it the proper way with working out and getting toned rather than being thin with a lot of excess skin. I woke up today and my entire body hurt from head to toe. I love that feeling. Yesterday we did chest which is bench press, and a few other machines that work chest muscles. We worked on abs by doing 100 crunches. (2 sets of 50).. and then 30 minutes on the treadmill... (a combination of running, walking, and hill climbing) I had a hard time keeping up with the speed of the treadmill but I know it will get better over time. Although I feel like jello I didn't give up and kept going until the very end. And that is something to be proud of. I know its only been one day but I know that with Chris's help I can achieve my goals. The only person that allows me to continue to gain weight is myself. I know that if I start eating healthier Tim will slim down as well. He has gained a significant amount of weight since hes had the tumor removed and we know its because where the tumor was placed is signaled his brain to throw up. but also he is gaining weight because of me and my eating habits. I love to go out to eat and we do it mostly everyday. It is my fault because it is always my idea. although I cant eat a full meal and bring most of it home Tim can.. That ended yesterday. I ate very good. i had a salad for breakfast, chicken masala sauce with mushrooms and zucchini for lunch, and another green salad with olive oil for dinner. When I got home I ate a tiny piece of left over pizza because it was there and I was a little hungry.. but usually when I get home I eat an entire meal and I didnt need to. It is hard with this bariatric surgery because my food digests so quickly I a hungry minutes after eating. I am going to work on eating more meat and less carbs because it is harder to digest protein and will keep me full longer.
Day two at the gym will consist of 30 minutes on the treadmill again, and working on my back.. crunches too!

Kicking habits.

It has been a while since I've written on here. Tim is doing good, healing each and every day. He still has some speech issues called aphasia which is common for those who have had mild strokes or brain surgery. His mind thinks normally but he can speak what he wants to say as fast as he should. The doctors say this should resolve over time. I don't mind it and I am getting used to it. We have been able to go out and do some fun things like we went to Mohegan for a few days and Rhode Island.. We have an upcoming mini vacation in Maine which I am looking forward to. I have cut back my hours a lot. Since I have been able to get myself out of all of my Debt I decided 60 hours a week just wouldn't work out anymore. I have been concentrating on school and just relaxing my mind. I get into a depression when I work too hard and have too much on my plate. With being a casual employee at the hospital it allows me to take a few breaks once in a while and take the time out that I need. I now work on the weekends and spend the week working on homework and relaxing with Tim. Then in a few weeks i'll start my grind all over again. School is going well. I think my English professor likes my work and what I am doing in the class. I haven't received any bad commentary on my work which I find a good thing. No new is good news. We have no real upcoming doctor's appointments that really stick out. Tim's 6th month MRI to make sure he has no more brain tumors was last month and his next one is at the end of April.. his vision is getting better day by day. So really all we have going on is relaxing and normal day to day stuff.
      My brother Jason and I are going to start fun activities like joining a bowling league and working out together.. I just need some new ideas and fun activities to keep my mind at ease. I think it will benifit all of us.

The aftermath of it all

I would love to be able to honestly say that everything is back to normal after all of this, but the only person I would be fooling is myself. It is hard to deal with what happened to Tim. He is doing wonderful with learning to walk but his balance is still very unsteady and it has caused a lot of tension and stress in the household. It seems that his patience is wearing thin and therefore causing my frustration to grow more frequently. I have been working longer hours trying to make it easier for myself to pay bills and get ready for the upcoming school semester but it seems like I am just working just enough to stay behind and not moving forward. The bills are always piled, the credit card statements are always there, and the debt that I've accumulated is haunting. I have been able to stay ahead of the game but I don't know how I can stay positive when there isn't an end of this in sight. Tim's vision is still very bad. He cannot see certain things peripherally (sp) so there is no way of him being able to drive in the near future. Its frustrating for him because cars is his entire life, but it's also frustrating for me because I spend more than I should on parking. I have asked my siblings for help through all of this and Jims work schedule does not add up to mine and Jason is less then accomidating and believes that he should be entitled to smell my car up with cigarette smoke and use all my gas when he takes my car for joy rides while I am at work. My relationship with him is minimal and we only talk or communicate when he needs something or when I am desperate for a ride. I feel like I get no support sometimes. I bend over backwards to help out anyone I could but the minute I need something I am ignored. I also don't ask too many people for anything because I don't want to be a burden.
      I lay awake at night having trouble sleeping. I relive the events that have happened to us each and every night. I don't know if it is post traumatic stress disorder, or just stress. I enjoy working in the hospital because I meet new people everyday and I am able to communicate with them as a kind of therapy. My co-workers have been more than kind and helpful and always lend an ear to me, but I think that being inside of the hospital just brings up too many scary memories of how Tim almost died there. I walk past his wing and when I have to go up to the neurology unit I am forced to look inside of the room where he was in for almost 40 days. I can't move past what happened. I try to make positives out of negatives by telling people that he is doing great, and he really is for someone who has made it this far after brain surgery, but that doesnt mean that we arent struggling everyday with the aftermath of it all.
     Things are just gloomy in CT. After the mass shooting in Sandy Hook people just are upset and not themselves. my Aunt and Uncle live in sandy hook with their 5 children and I cannot imagine what they are going through. Their neighbor was one of the little boys that was excecuted. It's sad and scary beyond words and just makes everything in this world look like shit.