So today Tim will have his Biopsy.. A busy morning for him.. They woke him up every couple hours to give him blood pressure medication and told him after midnight he could not eat. They were supposed to have his biopsy in the morning.. but Typical hospital time they pushed it to 4:30pm this afternoon. Some doctors said he could eat, others didn't so the final decision was that he cannot eat until after the biopsy is completed. He is not a happy camper and while they were explaining why he couldnt eat they brought his breakfast. He is grump so we are taking it easy and he is taking a nap until they come in and prepare him for this. I did the dumbest thing I could and looked up information on the internet. I now am scared shitless again and want to cry, but about 5 doctors came in today and said the same thing to me. Most likely nephritis which is causing the filtration system to not function properly. They are allowing little tiny amounts of blood into the urine and also protein. Which is a big sign of inflammed kidneys. His ultrasound also came back with definite signs of enlarged kidneys and also two cysts which they think have nothing to do with the kidney failure but they are going to check that as well. We should hear something by tomorrow morning and some more stuff the following days. That is all we know right about now. Still no visitors unless its immediate family. will keep you posted
--Jackie and Tim
Monday, August 22, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Do yourself a favor.....
Women care about health more than men. It's offical.. it is not a stereotype.. it's the truth.. well in my world it is. To all my male friends out there and for those who don't go to the doctors. Go get yourself checked out.. it takes an hour. Kidney Failure can have no signs or symptoms.. and it usually isn't detected unless you are getting other tests done. In Tim't case it was because of his blood pressure. If he had just stuck with his normal routine check up at the primary care doctor he wouldn't have found out, so those of you who don't get blood work done.. just suck it up and get it done. Blood can tell a lot... it's not just there for an STD test... eventhough that is just as important, but it truly can help in many ways. Also... donate blood. It takes twenty minutes and you usually get snacks, a sticker, and free hugs. I said this on my facebook status but I want to thank whoever donated blood for Tim's transfusion today because without it he would not have been able to have a biopsy tomorrow... you boys and your toughness.. please go get checked out.. have a friend come with you. It really is no big deal and if you think about it.. it is nothing but an inconvienence... and in all actuality.. the inconvienece can save your life.
Pray for Timothy.. Keep him in your thoughts.. He is strong and will fight no matter what... But this should be a lesson learned to go get routinely checked out.
Pray for Timothy.. Keep him in your thoughts.. He is strong and will fight no matter what... But this should be a lesson learned to go get routinely checked out.
Timothys Story-
Well with my previous posts I was stating that Tim and I were going to the doctors on Friday because we had noticed that his blood pressure was elevated on monday when we were at walmart. So I called a medical group and had him seen on friday. When we went there high blood pressure was 220/160 and they put him on a medication and sent him on his merry way and advised us to see him in two weeks. We then went to the eye doctors because 2 weeks ago tim got something in his eye and needed to get it removed. Tim had told the doctor that he was having some blurred vision in his other eye (the one that wasn't damaged) when he checked behind the eye he told us that he was bleeding from the eye and had swelling probably caused by the blood pressure. While tim was getting his eyes taken the doctor looked at me and said "take him to yale"
so off to yale we went. The emergency room took him in right away. gave him some iv's and took some blood. They came back and said that he had fluid around his heart and kidney failure and his blood pressure was very dangerious. They did an ultrasound and it was very sad to hear. They admitted him to cardiac intensive care unit and about 20 doctors from around the building didn't know what happened and why it happened so suddenly. They didnt know which came first the blood pressure or the kidney failure. They took another ultrasound on Saturday of his kidney but the results have not come back yet. His red blood cell count is very low and they want to do a blood transfusion and it is ordered to come in sometime today. That should help give him some blood and get his strength back up. Monday he will have a kidney biopsy to determine how long the kidney failure has been happening and how to treat it. They think that right now it is some sort of nephrosis which is inflammation of kidneys which may be caused by somthing like strep throat that went unattended or something along the lines. They don't think he will need dialysis or anything that dramatic but the biopsy will show everything tomorrow. until then he is resting and anwsering the same questions over and over again. He is in good spirits today and looks more lifelike.. he was very pale yesterday because of the anemia. But because things are stable and nothing has gotten worse his morale is coming back.
I was a mess yesterday.. just hearing the words renal failure was devistating to me. I stayed over on friday from 6pm to 9pm the following day. Jakes mother went to the hospital for jake to see Tim and drove me home so I could shower. Tims parents said that I should stay home and get some sleep. I was acting very weird and kinda losing it a little bit. I told myself that I would call Tim at midnight to check in with the nurse.. I took a shower and cried very hard.. I closed my eyes in the middle of a text message and fell asleep. I didn't wake up until 8am. I am here now. The nurses are very nice, everyone is very friendly. They are very curious with Tim as this is such a weird condition. They are baffled at how this happened. We all feel like we are in an episode of house... not a good feeling. They are very accomidating and very helpful. I listen to a lot of what they have to say and ask many many questions. They probably want to shoot me in the face but I dont care. I need to ask those questions to better understand what is going on and how they are going to fix my Timothy. I just want this to be all over. I dont want him to be in any pain anymore. It put a lot of things in perspecitve with him and with me as well. I dont want this sort of thing to hapen ever again. I just want him to feel better and go home and get going on his car. So many things are running through my mind all at once. I have had severe anxiety the past couple days and I am going untreated. I dont want to be medicated because I dont want to miss anything of whats going on and I dont want to miss a doctors visit. I was upset even leaving for the night because just incase tim needed me.... even if it was just for a glass of water I wanted to be there for him.
I will be posting frequently probably to let everyone know updates. Alot of people have been calling and texting and leaving facebook messages and its really appreciated. It helps tim know that he is cared for by a lot of people.
Thanks everyone-
so off to yale we went. The emergency room took him in right away. gave him some iv's and took some blood. They came back and said that he had fluid around his heart and kidney failure and his blood pressure was very dangerious. They did an ultrasound and it was very sad to hear. They admitted him to cardiac intensive care unit and about 20 doctors from around the building didn't know what happened and why it happened so suddenly. They didnt know which came first the blood pressure or the kidney failure. They took another ultrasound on Saturday of his kidney but the results have not come back yet. His red blood cell count is very low and they want to do a blood transfusion and it is ordered to come in sometime today. That should help give him some blood and get his strength back up. Monday he will have a kidney biopsy to determine how long the kidney failure has been happening and how to treat it. They think that right now it is some sort of nephrosis which is inflammation of kidneys which may be caused by somthing like strep throat that went unattended or something along the lines. They don't think he will need dialysis or anything that dramatic but the biopsy will show everything tomorrow. until then he is resting and anwsering the same questions over and over again. He is in good spirits today and looks more lifelike.. he was very pale yesterday because of the anemia. But because things are stable and nothing has gotten worse his morale is coming back.
I was a mess yesterday.. just hearing the words renal failure was devistating to me. I stayed over on friday from 6pm to 9pm the following day. Jakes mother went to the hospital for jake to see Tim and drove me home so I could shower. Tims parents said that I should stay home and get some sleep. I was acting very weird and kinda losing it a little bit. I told myself that I would call Tim at midnight to check in with the nurse.. I took a shower and cried very hard.. I closed my eyes in the middle of a text message and fell asleep. I didn't wake up until 8am. I am here now. The nurses are very nice, everyone is very friendly. They are very curious with Tim as this is such a weird condition. They are baffled at how this happened. We all feel like we are in an episode of house... not a good feeling. They are very accomidating and very helpful. I listen to a lot of what they have to say and ask many many questions. They probably want to shoot me in the face but I dont care. I need to ask those questions to better understand what is going on and how they are going to fix my Timothy. I just want this to be all over. I dont want him to be in any pain anymore. It put a lot of things in perspecitve with him and with me as well. I dont want this sort of thing to hapen ever again. I just want him to feel better and go home and get going on his car. So many things are running through my mind all at once. I have had severe anxiety the past couple days and I am going untreated. I dont want to be medicated because I dont want to miss anything of whats going on and I dont want to miss a doctors visit. I was upset even leaving for the night because just incase tim needed me.... even if it was just for a glass of water I wanted to be there for him.
I will be posting frequently probably to let everyone know updates. Alot of people have been calling and texting and leaving facebook messages and its really appreciated. It helps tim know that he is cared for by a lot of people.
Thanks everyone-
Friday, August 19, 2011
I set fire to the rain-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBcMKwbMEcQ
I am absolutely in love with this song. I heard it by watching the lifetime channel because I watch greys anatomy during the day and there is a new show and this is the song they used to advertise it. I didn't know adele was a chubby white girl.. I pictured her as like an aretha franklin type or even an Amy Winehouse. Anyway the song is great.
I made copies of a flyer I am using to put in people's mailboxes for my piano lessons and today me and my puppy are going to walk around and place them in the neighborhood. I am also going to call the local news paper to find out prices on advertisements. I mailed out some business cards to my family and a few friends who said they would pass them along for me. If I can get a total client base of 20 people a week I will make more money than what I did with my other job working part time. I am hoping by the end of september I will reach full capacity. I don't want to over book my clients but I also want to make sure that I have a steady income with all of this. My little door magnet is cute. I just wish my car was more appealing then it would look even better.
Tim has his doctors appointment at 2pm today. I am glad that he decided to go. It's like pulling teeth with him to get him to see a doctor but I think that because he has been consistantly sick for the past few months that something is definetly wrong (duh) and the blood pressure machine at walmart scared the shit out of him. I was going to go to the doctors today and have my back checked out but they would just tell me to relax and give me percocet which is something I don't want to take... I will be back up to bar in no time.
I snacked a bit last night as Tim and I were watching Glee. I told him that we were going to the gym but by the time he got home and ate my back was really acting up so we ended up not going. I was going to go for a walk but there was lightening storms going on. So then sitting around watching tv brought on the snacking. The constant struggle of food never seems to end with me. I need to quit the bullshit and just stop eating the crap... but it's so yummy.
I keep getting phone calls from blocked numbers but no voicemail messages so I don't think it is people for my business but probably lunatics from my past.. I'm not going to pick up the phone so what.. they want to hear my voice on my recording? so creepy. But i'll just get another number for personal use once I reach 20 piano students and use the iphone just for a business line.
Oh what the weekend will bring. Not sure, and probably not much. Maybe a hike or a walk on the beach. I have to watch Molly my doggie because the parents are going to rhode island for the weekend. That will give me something to do and if Tim is feeling better he will probably be working on the spirit all weekend. There is an AMX car show and flea market tonight and tomorrow so I should remind Tim of that. He can get a lot of parts for his car there because AMC car parts are hard to find since they are no longer in production.
I took Fran's son to the house to grab some laundry and he saw Dave's AMX and said it was totally the ultimate Ben Ten Car.. I found it hysterical. He was impressed. He's so cute. I enjoy hanging out with them.
What's your nickname name? Jackie, The Jack, Jackhole
Where do you live? North Haven
What's your favorite thing to do? I love going to concerts and hang out with my friends
How tall are you? 5'4
What's your favorite food? asian bistro
What color are your eyes? brown
Are you single or taken? I'm forever yours.. faithfully
Who do you love? are you for sure... lol I love Timothy
What's your mom's favorite show? North and South
What are your parents names? Pauline *the Duke and Vincent *Vinadoo
How many siblings do you have? 2 monsters.
What kind of pets do you have? I have a Jack Russell named Mollie. A Cat named Turbo a Cat named Mercedes and 4 fish.. named *one *special Ed *2 and *Alijandro
What's your favorite animal? teacut pigs.
Did you do well in school? yes
What did you dream about last night? oh it was a good dream. :)
What's your biggest fear? Losing everything
What do you want to do right now? more piano students!
Where do you see yourself at in 10 years? married with children :)
Are your parents married/separated/ or/ divorced? Married
Do you like chocolate? I like it more than I did when I was fat.. weird
Are you easily amused? yes
What's your favorite song? NIB black Sabbath CHANGE blind melon
What's your favorite T.V. show? Dexter
What's your favorite movie? American Beauty
Who's your hero? Phil Mfn Collins
When's your birthday? september 29
Were you a difficult child? I still am
What's your best childhood memory? meeting president Clinton
What/Who makes you happy? being with Tim.. hanging out with his son.. enjoy simplicity and not having to deal with all the crap I took in for years.
Do you cry a lot? nope
Explain yourself in one word. exquisit
What do you think about the most? the future
Where is your dream vacation? going to Malta and introducing Tim to my family
Are you bilingual? no
Last Question : Do you have patience? sometimes.
I am absolutely in love with this song. I heard it by watching the lifetime channel because I watch greys anatomy during the day and there is a new show and this is the song they used to advertise it. I didn't know adele was a chubby white girl.. I pictured her as like an aretha franklin type or even an Amy Winehouse. Anyway the song is great.
I made copies of a flyer I am using to put in people's mailboxes for my piano lessons and today me and my puppy are going to walk around and place them in the neighborhood. I am also going to call the local news paper to find out prices on advertisements. I mailed out some business cards to my family and a few friends who said they would pass them along for me. If I can get a total client base of 20 people a week I will make more money than what I did with my other job working part time. I am hoping by the end of september I will reach full capacity. I don't want to over book my clients but I also want to make sure that I have a steady income with all of this. My little door magnet is cute. I just wish my car was more appealing then it would look even better.
Tim has his doctors appointment at 2pm today. I am glad that he decided to go. It's like pulling teeth with him to get him to see a doctor but I think that because he has been consistantly sick for the past few months that something is definetly wrong (duh) and the blood pressure machine at walmart scared the shit out of him. I was going to go to the doctors today and have my back checked out but they would just tell me to relax and give me percocet which is something I don't want to take... I will be back up to bar in no time.
I snacked a bit last night as Tim and I were watching Glee. I told him that we were going to the gym but by the time he got home and ate my back was really acting up so we ended up not going. I was going to go for a walk but there was lightening storms going on. So then sitting around watching tv brought on the snacking. The constant struggle of food never seems to end with me. I need to quit the bullshit and just stop eating the crap... but it's so yummy.
I keep getting phone calls from blocked numbers but no voicemail messages so I don't think it is people for my business but probably lunatics from my past.. I'm not going to pick up the phone so what.. they want to hear my voice on my recording? so creepy. But i'll just get another number for personal use once I reach 20 piano students and use the iphone just for a business line.
Oh what the weekend will bring. Not sure, and probably not much. Maybe a hike or a walk on the beach. I have to watch Molly my doggie because the parents are going to rhode island for the weekend. That will give me something to do and if Tim is feeling better he will probably be working on the spirit all weekend. There is an AMX car show and flea market tonight and tomorrow so I should remind Tim of that. He can get a lot of parts for his car there because AMC car parts are hard to find since they are no longer in production.
I took Fran's son to the house to grab some laundry and he saw Dave's AMX and said it was totally the ultimate Ben Ten Car.. I found it hysterical. He was impressed. He's so cute. I enjoy hanging out with them.
What's your nickname name? Jackie, The Jack, Jackhole
Where do you live? North Haven
What's your favorite thing to do? I love going to concerts and hang out with my friends
How tall are you? 5'4
What's your favorite food? asian bistro
What color are your eyes? brown
Are you single or taken? I'm forever yours.. faithfully
Who do you love? are you for sure... lol I love Timothy
What's your mom's favorite show? North and South
What are your parents names? Pauline *the Duke and Vincent *Vinadoo
How many siblings do you have? 2 monsters.
What kind of pets do you have? I have a Jack Russell named Mollie. A Cat named Turbo a Cat named Mercedes and 4 fish.. named *one *special Ed *2 and *Alijandro
What's your favorite animal? teacut pigs.
Did you do well in school? yes
What did you dream about last night? oh it was a good dream. :)
What's your biggest fear? Losing everything
What do you want to do right now? more piano students!
Where do you see yourself at in 10 years? married with children :)
Are your parents married/separated/ or/ divorced? Married
Do you like chocolate? I like it more than I did when I was fat.. weird
Are you easily amused? yes
What's your favorite song? NIB black Sabbath CHANGE blind melon
What's your favorite T.V. show? Dexter
What's your favorite movie? American Beauty
Who's your hero? Phil Mfn Collins
When's your birthday? september 29
Were you a difficult child? I still am
What's your best childhood memory? meeting president Clinton
What/Who makes you happy? being with Tim.. hanging out with his son.. enjoy simplicity and not having to deal with all the crap I took in for years.
Do you cry a lot? nope
Explain yourself in one word. exquisit
What do you think about the most? the future
Where is your dream vacation? going to Malta and introducing Tim to my family
Are you bilingual? no
Last Question : Do you have patience? sometimes.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Thirsty Thursday
So Plato's closet is officially on my shit list. I had at least 1000 dollars worth of designer clothes all in the range of size 16-12 and they had an excuse for each and every item and only wanted to buy 2 things from me. Needless to say I can't go into the store anymore because I said some obscene things and well... I hate them. I am thinking of having a tag sale because I have some really nice designer clothes. Michael Kohrs pants, liz claiborne, juicy couture, coach shoes, a whole shit ton of stuff that I just don't wear anymore. I guess i'll just keep them until someone I like comes around and i'll offer to give them some stuff. I love when people give me bags full of clothes.. it makes my day complete. I wish I could have made some money but whatever, I didn't need the money that bad. I think I was more aggrevated at the fact that I took a lot of time out of my day to go through and bag eveyrthing up by size, bring it all the way to weathersfield. Tim and I went out to dinner last night. I had a huge salad from ruby tuesdays and some fish. Tim had a buffalo chicken burger... we stuck with our slim fast and fiber bars the entire day so a sensible dinner was acceptable. I had two Dirty Martini's though.. could have went without that.. but I decided to treat myself and to deprive myself of things will only make me binge.. so once in a while it is acceptable. I applied to Metro North. I know a lot f people that work there that said I could use them as a reference. Like i've been saying, I will not take a desk job. I want to be on my feet and interacting with people. A lot of people have been handing out my business cards to people which is also great. I was scared when I walked out of Hewitt but things always work out in the end and right now I am doing just fine.
two eggs for breakfast. Slimfast and a special K protein Bar for lunch... and hopefully something good for dinner. Tonights work out routine will be hour of cardio.. my back still hurts from the back stretch.. and maybe ill do another 15 minutes on the stair master.. although after I do that I want to kill everyone around me.
I'd like to walk on the beach. Maybe tomorrow after Tim's doctor(s) appointments we can do that. I'd like to take Jake but he is only coming over on Sunday this week. He has been over every weekend for the majority of the summer and even before that, and I think that he needs to spend the weekends with his mother as well. and we always include Jake. We enjoy having him around and he is very well behaved with us . we took him to a concert and to long island for a mini vacation and that is the extent of his summer. A few skate parks here and there and riding bikes is more than enough for a summer extravaganza. I have no problem doing more with him but he needs his grades to maintain decent and he needs to earn the things that he gets to do.
I think once I get this new job i'd like to move into a house either rent or buy. I need to buy a new car because my poor car is on it's last leg. I think it will be it's last winter. I just want to be able to decorate and have my own place to call home. I absolutely adore Tim's parents, and our living situation is very good but I'm sure they would like to eventually have their house back to themselves.
I just got a strange text message and I think that it is someone from my past that I don't want anything to do with anymore. I feel like because I have a website with my business card and it has my cell phone on it she found it and texted me to play games. Why did they close insance asylums. I think she wanted to let me know she was getting married or some crazy shit.. like she needs to get married.. she needs to be put in a padded room.
I pulled my back at the gym and I havent been able to do much. I hope tomorrow will be better so I can get back in the swing of things.
we had ravioli for dinner- Yum
I think this is pretty so I made it like that for my new format.
1. what are three ways to win your heart? Flowers, listening to me, and making me laugh
2. do you like lightning? yes- very smoothing.
3. have you ever cut someone else’s hair? .... poor jim
4. last person you said ‘i hate you’ to? i haven't said that in a while.
5. rain or sunshine? rain
6. last stupid thing you said to anyone? I cannot recall.
7. biggest turn off? smelly feet, yellow teeth, dyed hair on men
8. fave movie? American Beauty
9. would you date someone who smokes? no
10. would you date someone who was addicted to drugs? no way
11. what’s your biggest turn on, physically? smile
12. would you have sex w. someone you weren’t dating? I can't anwser that. I don't plan on not dating ever again
13. have you ever missed someone and regretted breaking up with them? no.. every person I broke up with had their rationale behind it.
14. have you ever dated someone more than once? yea my first boyfriend. we used to fight and break up all the time... high school lol
15. if you could go on ONE DATE with any celebrity, who would it be? Dermot Mulroney (but don't tell phil Collins please)
16. what’s your relationship status? engaged
17. do you like cuddling? yes :)
18. do you hold grudges? I try very hard not to anymore but there are just some things that cannot be forgotten and should be forgotten
19. do you regret dating anyone? Lou lmao but we don't talk about him much
20. hugger or kisser? hugger
21. missing someone? nope
22. most important lesson you’ve learned from your exes? jealousy is a disease...
23. are you happier single or in a relationship? in a relationship
24. how important are looks? you have to be attracted to someone but it doesnt have to be physical.. it could be anything at all.
25. would you rather date someone who was SUPER-HOT or someone who was nice? nice.. ive dated someone who was super hot.. he wasn't worth it.
26. do you stay friends w/ the people you’ve dated? I'm still friends with Ben.. thats about it.
27. would you fight over someone you wanted to be with? till death
28. do you kiss on the 1st date? I have
29. if someone cheated on you, would you take them back if you really loved them? I say no.. but it never happened to me so I really dont know for sure.. but I know I dont have to worry about that with Tim.
30. some random girl comes up to you and says “who the hell are you”? What do you say back? id probably say Hi, I'm Jackie and put out my hand.
31. are you spoiled? sometimes. Tim treats me very well.
32. name three things you would not tolerate in a relationship? physical abuse, verbal abuse, and drug addiction.
33. which one of your friends do you think would make a good prostitute? I think Chris Spencer lmao.
34. did you miss anyone today? Fran when she was at her doctors appointment lol
35. last person to see you cry? Tim
36. Who/what made you cry? noone bought my clothes at platos closet lmao
37. are you a forgiving person? sometimes
38. would you ever share a girl/boyfriend with your best friend? no.
39. i’ve come to realize the last person who gave me a hug… Chris
40. are most of your friends guys or girls? girls. I don't hang out with Guys. I find it disrespectful to Tim.. I only talk to them through facebook or occasionally say hi when I see someone out.
41. how long does it take you to get ready to go out ? 30 minutes.
42. how many people do you know of named Adam ? 3
43. are any of your friends cheerleaders ? they were in high school. I don't hang out with anyone who is a cheerleader now because I dont hang out with High schoolers.. I find that really pathetic.
44. what was the last thing you burnt ? my finger.
45. what is your full name? Jacqualyn Diana Bianchi
46 what color is the bra you have on now ? white
47. do you straighten your hair every day? no
48. do you worry about the size of your boobs? no
49. are you the typical girl who’s addicted to gossip? I try to stay away from it.. but I do like to hear about things.
50. what are your favorite girly magazines? I dont really read magazines.
51. did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy? yes
52. did you ever cry during a romantic movie? big fish lol
53. would you leave the house without makeup on? yes.. im in a relationship.. oh and I wear my pjs out too lmao
54. what’s the biggest turn on about guys? personality
55. are you a girly-girl, tomboy, or in the middle? girly-girl
56. is pink truly the best color in the entire universe? absolutely.
57. what’s the most expensive piece of clothing you own? my $1600 purse and $10,000 mikimoto pearl necklace.. and to the crackheads out there.. its in a safety deposit box for my wedding day.
58. what color do you absolutely despise? not a fan of orange.
59. have you ever stole? yes
60. have you set your hair on fire? nope
61. do you wear sweat pants? right now baby lol
62. do you know anyone who has lost their virginity? no.. everyone of my friends are virgins.
63. have you ever ran into a door because you didn’t see it? no but Fran has lol
64. doesn’t 50 Cent suck? no I like his music
65. do you like hugs and kisses(xoxo:))? both :-D
66. do you act gangster? no.
67. ever made a prank phone call? yes
68. last kiss? This morning.
69. what bill do you hate paying most? cell phone
70. where was the last place you had a romantic dinner? ruby tuesdays
71. what did you want to be when you were growing up? well it sure as hell wasn't a short term disability case manager.
72. favorite NON sexual thing to do at night with a guy? cuddle :)
73. when did you first start feeling older? umm today sounds about right.
74. favorite guilty pleasure? brie
75. what famous person(s) would you like to have dinner with? phil collins
76. what famous person would you like to date? dermot mulroney
78. what do you hate about your school? I dont go to school
79. last person whose bed you laid in besides your own? Tims bed is my bed.
80. have you lost a friend recently? yes 2 years ago I lost my best friend Laurie. that sucked
81. ever have a sleepover with the opposite sex? I live with Tim.
82. do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot? :) no.
83. is it easier to forgive, or to forget? forget
84. do you give out second chances too easily? not really
85. is your best friend pretty? they all are
86. is it awkward when you run into your exes? not really
87. have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle? yes
88. can you make yourself cry? yes
89. is your life simple or complicated? unfortunatly it is simple but I make things so complicated.. if that makes sense.
90. are you easily confused? no
92. are you taller than 5′4″? I am 5'4
93. have you ever liked someone who treated you like crap? yes.. and I thank god I find some confidence in myself to realize he was trash.
94. is your current hair color mostly your natural hair color? yea.. im growing it out.
95. does everything really happen for a reason? it sure does.
two eggs for breakfast. Slimfast and a special K protein Bar for lunch... and hopefully something good for dinner. Tonights work out routine will be hour of cardio.. my back still hurts from the back stretch.. and maybe ill do another 15 minutes on the stair master.. although after I do that I want to kill everyone around me.
I'd like to walk on the beach. Maybe tomorrow after Tim's doctor(s) appointments we can do that. I'd like to take Jake but he is only coming over on Sunday this week. He has been over every weekend for the majority of the summer and even before that, and I think that he needs to spend the weekends with his mother as well. and we always include Jake. We enjoy having him around and he is very well behaved with us . we took him to a concert and to long island for a mini vacation and that is the extent of his summer. A few skate parks here and there and riding bikes is more than enough for a summer extravaganza. I have no problem doing more with him but he needs his grades to maintain decent and he needs to earn the things that he gets to do.
I think once I get this new job i'd like to move into a house either rent or buy. I need to buy a new car because my poor car is on it's last leg. I think it will be it's last winter. I just want to be able to decorate and have my own place to call home. I absolutely adore Tim's parents, and our living situation is very good but I'm sure they would like to eventually have their house back to themselves.
I just got a strange text message and I think that it is someone from my past that I don't want anything to do with anymore. I feel like because I have a website with my business card and it has my cell phone on it she found it and texted me to play games. Why did they close insance asylums. I think she wanted to let me know she was getting married or some crazy shit.. like she needs to get married.. she needs to be put in a padded room.
I pulled my back at the gym and I havent been able to do much. I hope tomorrow will be better so I can get back in the swing of things.
we had ravioli for dinner- Yum
I think this is pretty so I made it like that for my new format.
1. what are three ways to win your heart? Flowers, listening to me, and making me laugh
2. do you like lightning? yes- very smoothing.
3. have you ever cut someone else’s hair? .... poor jim
4. last person you said ‘i hate you’ to? i haven't said that in a while.
5. rain or sunshine? rain
6. last stupid thing you said to anyone? I cannot recall.
7. biggest turn off? smelly feet, yellow teeth, dyed hair on men
8. fave movie? American Beauty
9. would you date someone who smokes? no
10. would you date someone who was addicted to drugs? no way
11. what’s your biggest turn on, physically? smile
12. would you have sex w. someone you weren’t dating? I can't anwser that. I don't plan on not dating ever again
13. have you ever missed someone and regretted breaking up with them? no.. every person I broke up with had their rationale behind it.
14. have you ever dated someone more than once? yea my first boyfriend. we used to fight and break up all the time... high school lol
15. if you could go on ONE DATE with any celebrity, who would it be? Dermot Mulroney (but don't tell phil Collins please)
16. what’s your relationship status? engaged
17. do you like cuddling? yes :)
18. do you hold grudges? I try very hard not to anymore but there are just some things that cannot be forgotten and should be forgotten
19. do you regret dating anyone? Lou lmao but we don't talk about him much
20. hugger or kisser? hugger
21. missing someone? nope
22. most important lesson you’ve learned from your exes? jealousy is a disease...
23. are you happier single or in a relationship? in a relationship
24. how important are looks? you have to be attracted to someone but it doesnt have to be physical.. it could be anything at all.
25. would you rather date someone who was SUPER-HOT or someone who was nice? nice.. ive dated someone who was super hot.. he wasn't worth it.
26. do you stay friends w/ the people you’ve dated? I'm still friends with Ben.. thats about it.
27. would you fight over someone you wanted to be with? till death
28. do you kiss on the 1st date? I have
29. if someone cheated on you, would you take them back if you really loved them? I say no.. but it never happened to me so I really dont know for sure.. but I know I dont have to worry about that with Tim.
30. some random girl comes up to you and says “who the hell are you”? What do you say back? id probably say Hi, I'm Jackie and put out my hand.
31. are you spoiled? sometimes. Tim treats me very well.
32. name three things you would not tolerate in a relationship? physical abuse, verbal abuse, and drug addiction.
33. which one of your friends do you think would make a good prostitute? I think Chris Spencer lmao.
34. did you miss anyone today? Fran when she was at her doctors appointment lol
35. last person to see you cry? Tim
36. Who/what made you cry? noone bought my clothes at platos closet lmao
37. are you a forgiving person? sometimes
38. would you ever share a girl/boyfriend with your best friend? no.
39. i’ve come to realize the last person who gave me a hug… Chris
40. are most of your friends guys or girls? girls. I don't hang out with Guys. I find it disrespectful to Tim.. I only talk to them through facebook or occasionally say hi when I see someone out.
41. how long does it take you to get ready to go out ? 30 minutes.
42. how many people do you know of named Adam ? 3
43. are any of your friends cheerleaders ? they were in high school. I don't hang out with anyone who is a cheerleader now because I dont hang out with High schoolers.. I find that really pathetic.
44. what was the last thing you burnt ? my finger.
45. what is your full name? Jacqualyn Diana Bianchi
46 what color is the bra you have on now ? white
47. do you straighten your hair every day? no
48. do you worry about the size of your boobs? no
49. are you the typical girl who’s addicted to gossip? I try to stay away from it.. but I do like to hear about things.
50. what are your favorite girly magazines? I dont really read magazines.
51. did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy? yes
52. did you ever cry during a romantic movie? big fish lol
53. would you leave the house without makeup on? yes.. im in a relationship.. oh and I wear my pjs out too lmao
54. what’s the biggest turn on about guys? personality
55. are you a girly-girl, tomboy, or in the middle? girly-girl
56. is pink truly the best color in the entire universe? absolutely.
57. what’s the most expensive piece of clothing you own? my $1600 purse and $10,000 mikimoto pearl necklace.. and to the crackheads out there.. its in a safety deposit box for my wedding day.
58. what color do you absolutely despise? not a fan of orange.
59. have you ever stole? yes
60. have you set your hair on fire? nope
61. do you wear sweat pants? right now baby lol
62. do you know anyone who has lost their virginity? no.. everyone of my friends are virgins.
63. have you ever ran into a door because you didn’t see it? no but Fran has lol
64. doesn’t 50 Cent suck? no I like his music
65. do you like hugs and kisses(xoxo:))? both :-D
66. do you act gangster? no.
67. ever made a prank phone call? yes
68. last kiss? This morning.
69. what bill do you hate paying most? cell phone
70. where was the last place you had a romantic dinner? ruby tuesdays
71. what did you want to be when you were growing up? well it sure as hell wasn't a short term disability case manager.
72. favorite NON sexual thing to do at night with a guy? cuddle :)
73. when did you first start feeling older? umm today sounds about right.
74. favorite guilty pleasure? brie
75. what famous person(s) would you like to have dinner with? phil collins
76. what famous person would you like to date? dermot mulroney
78. what do you hate about your school? I dont go to school
79. last person whose bed you laid in besides your own? Tims bed is my bed.
80. have you lost a friend recently? yes 2 years ago I lost my best friend Laurie. that sucked
81. ever have a sleepover with the opposite sex? I live with Tim.
82. do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot? :) no.
83. is it easier to forgive, or to forget? forget
84. do you give out second chances too easily? not really
85. is your best friend pretty? they all are
86. is it awkward when you run into your exes? not really
87. have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle? yes
88. can you make yourself cry? yes
89. is your life simple or complicated? unfortunatly it is simple but I make things so complicated.. if that makes sense.
90. are you easily confused? no
92. are you taller than 5′4″? I am 5'4
93. have you ever liked someone who treated you like crap? yes.. and I thank god I find some confidence in myself to realize he was trash.
94. is your current hair color mostly your natural hair color? yea.. im growing it out.
95. does everything really happen for a reason? it sure does.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Survey
If you were caught cheating, would you fess up? I would never even think about cheating on Tim.. I cheated by eating mcdonalds yesterday and cried to him about it.. lol
The last time you felt honestly broken? I don't feel broken but right now I just don't feel complete. I am trying to boost my piano lesson business and find a job where I don't have to sit at a desk anymore.
Are you craving something? Actually no, I'm not craving anything. Just had two cups of coffee and a slimfast.
If you could have one thing right now what would it be? Financial Freedom
Would you rather have ten kids, or none? 10 is a bit much so if I had to choose I wouldnt have any
What do you hear right now? The Dryer
Is your bed against more than one of your walls? No, ours is in the middle so we both have room on each side
What’s on your mind right now? Well, I'm hoping some clients pull through today and I can get this biznass boomin
Are you there for your friends? I try to be there for my friends. I am only there for the friends who are there for me. It's only fair.
Last person to see you cry? Tim--- Damn McDONALDS!
What do you do when you get nervous? Clean..
Be honest, do you like people in general? No. I don't
How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? probably by 30. I don't want to rush it, and I want to ensure that I am financially secure and stable so I can support my kids every way possible.
Does anyone completely understand you? I don't think anyone has a clue.
Do you have a reason to smile right now? I'm alive. That's always a reason to smile
Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you? Yes, and that makes me smile as well.
Would you be happier if life had a rewind button? I'm not too sure.. I think if I went back and redid things in life I wouldn't have learned or be where I am today, and today I am happy to be where I am
Do you tell your mum or dad everything? well, not everything but I tell my mom a lot of things
Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes? I wouldnt want Tim smoking
Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone? Nah, I dont really bother with anyone or talk to too many people and any interaction with someone is very positive.
This time last year, can you remember who you liked? Of course. Tim :)
Do you think more about the past, present, or future? I unfortunatly think a lot about the past and that is my biggest flaw.. things happened, and everyday is a new adventure.. I need to ease up on myself and continue to move on.
How many hours of sleep do you get a night?Between 6 or 7
Are you easy to get along with? I am easy to get along with but I am also very easy with telling someone how I feel and having them dislike me for it.
Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with? if I hated someone why would I have a conversation with them?
What was the last drink that you put in your mouth? Slimfast
What size bed do you have? king
Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? before
Do you like the rain? love the rain
Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? yes
Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do? yes
Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither? lol bad news bears
Who were you last in the car with, besides family? Tim
What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who? we saw the Change up.. it was funny
Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend? yes
Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you? yes
Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party? holla!
Do you regret a past relationship? yes one.. but we don't mention him to much lmao
Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party? concert
Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over? no
Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry? probably
Do you care too much about your appearance- no I think its great to take pride in your appearance
Are you a jealous person? not anymore.
Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? nope
Do you miss anyone? yes a few people.. but if they missed me they would call.. right?
Last person who made you cry? myself
Does your ex piss you off? no.. I like Ben
What are you doing tomorrow? not sure yet.
Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week? no
Is there anyone you want to come see you? yes, but he never will
Have you ever been cheated on? i dont know.. possibly
Ever given your all to someone who walked away? yes
Do you like cotton candy? no
Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with? my girls.
Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17? lol I would hope not.
Do you have siblings? twin brothers.
Have you ever fallen asleep on someone? on someone? no
How has the past week been for you? its been nice-
Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? yes a very good friend
What’s on your mind right now? I dislike waiting for laundry to dry--
What were you doing at midnight last night? sleeping
What is your current mood? antsy
Who was the first person you talked to today? tim
Will this week be a good one? its been good so far
Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy? nothing out of the ordinary
Who were you with last night? Tim
Next time you will kiss someone? around 5:30pm
Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy? it doesnt matter
Do you have any plans for the weekend? nope, not yet
The last time you felt honestly broken? I don't feel broken but right now I just don't feel complete. I am trying to boost my piano lesson business and find a job where I don't have to sit at a desk anymore.
Are you craving something? Actually no, I'm not craving anything. Just had two cups of coffee and a slimfast.
If you could have one thing right now what would it be? Financial Freedom
Would you rather have ten kids, or none? 10 is a bit much so if I had to choose I wouldnt have any
What do you hear right now? The Dryer
Is your bed against more than one of your walls? No, ours is in the middle so we both have room on each side
What’s on your mind right now? Well, I'm hoping some clients pull through today and I can get this biznass boomin
Are you there for your friends? I try to be there for my friends. I am only there for the friends who are there for me. It's only fair.
Last person to see you cry? Tim--- Damn McDONALDS!
What do you do when you get nervous? Clean..
Be honest, do you like people in general? No. I don't
How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? probably by 30. I don't want to rush it, and I want to ensure that I am financially secure and stable so I can support my kids every way possible.
Does anyone completely understand you? I don't think anyone has a clue.
Do you have a reason to smile right now? I'm alive. That's always a reason to smile
Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you? Yes, and that makes me smile as well.
Would you be happier if life had a rewind button? I'm not too sure.. I think if I went back and redid things in life I wouldn't have learned or be where I am today, and today I am happy to be where I am
Do you tell your mum or dad everything? well, not everything but I tell my mom a lot of things
Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes? I wouldnt want Tim smoking
Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone? Nah, I dont really bother with anyone or talk to too many people and any interaction with someone is very positive.
This time last year, can you remember who you liked? Of course. Tim :)
Do you think more about the past, present, or future? I unfortunatly think a lot about the past and that is my biggest flaw.. things happened, and everyday is a new adventure.. I need to ease up on myself and continue to move on.
How many hours of sleep do you get a night?Between 6 or 7
Are you easy to get along with? I am easy to get along with but I am also very easy with telling someone how I feel and having them dislike me for it.
Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with? if I hated someone why would I have a conversation with them?
What was the last drink that you put in your mouth? Slimfast
What size bed do you have? king
Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? before
Do you like the rain? love the rain
Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? yes
Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do? yes
Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither? lol bad news bears
Who were you last in the car with, besides family? Tim
What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who? we saw the Change up.. it was funny
Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/ girlfriend? yes
Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you? yes
Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party? holla!
Do you regret a past relationship? yes one.. but we don't mention him to much lmao
Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party? concert
Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over? no
Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry? probably
Do you care too much about your appearance- no I think its great to take pride in your appearance
Are you a jealous person? not anymore.
Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? nope
Do you miss anyone? yes a few people.. but if they missed me they would call.. right?
Last person who made you cry? myself
Does your ex piss you off? no.. I like Ben
What are you doing tomorrow? not sure yet.
Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week? no
Is there anyone you want to come see you? yes, but he never will
Have you ever been cheated on? i dont know.. possibly
Ever given your all to someone who walked away? yes
Do you like cotton candy? no
Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with? my girls.
Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17? lol I would hope not.
Do you have siblings? twin brothers.
Have you ever fallen asleep on someone? on someone? no
How has the past week been for you? its been nice-
Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? yes a very good friend
What’s on your mind right now? I dislike waiting for laundry to dry--
What were you doing at midnight last night? sleeping
What is your current mood? antsy
Who was the first person you talked to today? tim
Will this week be a good one? its been good so far
Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy? nothing out of the ordinary
Who were you with last night? Tim
Next time you will kiss someone? around 5:30pm
Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy? it doesnt matter
Do you have any plans for the weekend? nope, not yet
Five- Starting Early
I couldn't sleep very long. Woke up at 3am and decided to go to my parents house and rummage through a bunch more clothes that don't fit anymore... some that are too big and some that just don't fit right. I dont know how big or small someone is... some clothes just dont look right on people. I also want to get rid of a bunch of shoes and purses that I just don't use anymore. I want to start the day off right by going to the gym nice and early.. head over to Frans for some morning coffee and bullshit and then I am taking a ride up to Weathersfield to platos closet and selling the stuff that I don't want to keep around anymore. I must have garbage bags full of each size from 20 to 12's now. I want to keep most of the 12's but everything else there's just no reason for it anymore. If I lose weight I will just buy more and if I gain weight.. which I hope to god I wont.. then ill just have to buy more as well. I am really worried about Tim's blood pressure. It's been keeping me up all night and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. He has a doctors appointment on Friday with Broadway Medical Group so hopefully they will put him on some medication and he will start to feel better soon. I think his headaches and blurred vision has a lot to do with his hypertension.
I received my business information in the mail today. I have been handing out cards to everyone I know that is around children or possible people who may be interested in Piano music. I hope that some people will be interested in taking lessons. There have been a few potentials but due to some issues that was really not necessary in the slightest therefore it was mutually decided not to continue lessions with a client although it saddens me because she has very good potential of learning music theory and doing very well with lessons. . Lesson learned. I just keep to myself and know that things will work out in the end for some new people and if not then there will always be other opportunities.
Ahhh.. a nice warm cup of coffee. 4:15am and I am ready to go.. I have a load of laundry running.. some soft meditative music playing and I am almost getting in the mood to do some hardcore cardio. I think I am going to switch up my routine to an hour of the olliptical and then do some toning of arms and legs as well as some hip abduction and try to do 15 minutes on the stair master. 10 minutes killed me last time but if I keep stepping up little by little.. I will have more strength and will power to do more.
I am still beating myself up over having mcdonalds yesterday. I called my girlfriend and told her that I just can't do it and no matter what I say to convice her to just not go near the golden arches. Tim and I don't go out to eat anymore. It is unnecessary and completely unhealthy.
I told myself when I lost weight that I would never be judgemental towards people who are obese but I cant help myself. I know first hand what it was like being over weight and I did something about it. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make for myself but I stepped up and took the chance. I don't regret it one bit. I went through some hard times with my depression but honestly it was because I was finding myself and being a brand new person. I see people who are extremely overweight and part of me feels sorry for them but the other part of me just see's someone who has given up on life. I don't care who says it.. people who are morbidly obese are not happy no matter how much they pretend to be. I know, i've been there. You may not need to have gastric bypass surgery and you may be totally against the surgery all together, but its been two years for me and it has worked out to be the best decision I have ever made in my entire life. No more quick diets that last a week.. losing 10lbs.. going back to a binge and then gaining more.. I dont have to ask for a table because I cannot fit into a booth, I can go on every ride at six flags twice.. I can put a seat belt on when I fly in an airplane, I can get up off the couch without using all of my efforts. I don't run out of breath when I walk up the stairs, I can go into a store and try on clothes without hating my body in those mirrors, and I can be comfortable and be secure with who I am because I have the confidence that I never had before. I dont need the latest fad. No more cabbage soup diet or smoothie diet. I do enjoy weight watchers and special K diets only because it gives me the nutrition that I need and its quick and convienent. I dont have to worry about my weight fluctuating besides a few pounds here or there because of this surgery and most of all, diabetes hypertension and infertility is never going to be an issue for me.
I used to be a very jealous person. I was very insecure with myself and it was shown with all of my past relationships starting from high school. I had a very good looking boyfriend in high school who was captain of the track team and was in very good shape. A lot of girls found him attractive and looked at him like what is he doing with a girl like me and I knew it. The more these girls did that the more insecure and jealous I was so the weight began. Ultimately the jealously ended our relationship. He went on to be a Marine and is probably doing very well for himself but because of my insecurities things didn't go the way I would have liked them to go. I also know that he wasn't the one for me, but for years I thought it was my fault things didn't work out. I have come to the realization that it just wasn't meant for me and I moved on.
After Mike I dated a few people and got a few notches on my belt. Nothing steady like my high school romance but college was college and boys were boys. When I worked for Verizon Wireless I met a boy named Jayson who eventually moved in with me in a place in Middletown. I too was very jealous with him only because I knew a friend of mine at the time was also interested in him. She was thin and pretty and would sleep with anyone who gave her any sort of attention, so I was worried. I didn't trust Jayson, and because of my insecurites of my weight I gave him a hard time most of the time. I couldn't deal with it so after 8 months of living with him and dating him I packed up my belongings and headed to Arizona to live with a girlfriend of mine and her husband. He was a police officer which was a change of scenery for me considering my group of friends weren't exactly with the law. I knew that their marriage wasn't going to last because she never could keep anything in her life for a very long period of time.. whether it was a friendship, a job, or a boyfriend. She was always looking for the bigger and better deal. Typical narcissist and after about a year of living with that torture I moved back home to live back with my parents for the first time since I was 17.
I think that is when I started to gain the majority of the weight was when I came back from Arizona. I was definietly obese when I went moved out there. I remember not being able to put my seatbelt on and being uncomfortable sitting in the middle seat leaving no room for anyone else sitting next to me, but when I came home I started hanging out with friends, going out to the bar a lot, drinking very heavily and partying all week long. I started working for an insurance company in hartford and I made good money and didn't have any bills so most of my money went towards food, friends, and drinking. Having a sedentary position was the not the best idea. constant sitting, constant eating, no exercise. I must have gained 100lbs in a year and a half. I started hanging around a girl who was very big as well. A few of them actually and when overweight people hang out together they do overweight things. I became very close to my friend Laurie and she always talked about having the surgery but was always scared to go through with the procedure. I wasn't scared. I gave it my all. Two days before my surgery she stopped breathing on her own. She was on life support the entire time I was in recovery of my surgery and two weeks after my surgery she passed away. She was 28 and 550lbs. It broke my heart but she was a big inspiration for me to do what I did and I know that she would be proud of me. I remember having a conversation with her and she said that she was too heavy for the surgery and there was no hope for her. I always was uplifting and supportive and told her that if I do the surgery and show her it was okay then she would have to do it so we could look sexy together. I think she knew her time was coming to an end but want me to succeed and always encouraged me to lose the weight even to her very last day.
Other people in my life weren't as supportive. They were very mean and always had something negative to say about every decision that I made regarding this surgery. They would tell me I was going to die or that I was going crazy but they didn't understand that I was becoming a new person and that my whole life was changing. The more I lost weight the more weight they gained. I don't know if it was because they were upset and it triggered their emotions, but a few of my overweight friends began to resent the fact that I lost the weight. I remember someone telling me that they couldnt even notice that I had lost any weight at all while other people would constantly compliment me on my improvements. I felt sorry for those people. I didnt want to shut them out of my life completely because I knew what it was like to hate and be resentful but ultimatly in the end I stopped talking to most of them.
I stopped talking to most of the people that I was friends with before surgery. Why have friends that bring you down all the time. The friends I thought I could trust turned out to be complete scumbags. The one person I fell in love with treated me like absolute crap and made it an everyday routine to belittle me and crack jokes about me. I didn't need any of that bullshit in my life anymore. I didn't need the fake friends and the fake people who would smile to my face then make fun of me when I left. So I packed up my life and completely shut them out. I know some of them I said some bad things about, but they deserved a lot of it as well. There was not one person in my life at that time that truly was my friend 100% and if they think that they are in complete denial. I at least can admit that I was shit to them because they were shit to me.
I started dating Ben around last February. We met on match.com and we jumped into the relationship very fast. I wanted out of my apartment and he offered to let me live with him. We lasted only about 3 months before I couldn't handle being with him anymore. He is a great friend, but has no idea how to be a good boyfriend and was very selfish. No matter how much I tried to do something with him he just wasn't willing to put forth any effort in being a boyfriend to me. His best friend however would always come around and take walks with me and go out with me when I had noone to hang out with. I broke up with Ben and started dating Tim. We have been together over a year now.
Tim has a 13 year old son who is absolutly wonderful. He keeps me young and alive and definietly busy. We are able to do fun things together and include his son in everything we do. We spent our one year anniversary in Long Island and took Jake on his first ferry ride. We took him to Ozzfest last year and megadeth this year. He is starting school in North Haven this year which is wonderful because we will be able to be closer to his school for lacrosse games and ensuring that he is doing his homework and keeping up with his school work. I am not jealous with Tim. When we go out his eyes are on me the entire time. He loves me for the crazy lunatic that I am and I love him for the sarcastic weirdo that he is. He has also lost a lot of weight. About 120lbs so we have a lot in common. He is just the perfect fit for me.
I received my business information in the mail today. I have been handing out cards to everyone I know that is around children or possible people who may be interested in Piano music. I hope that some people will be interested in taking lessons. There have been a few potentials but due to some issues that was really not necessary in the slightest therefore it was mutually decided not to continue lessions with a client although it saddens me because she has very good potential of learning music theory and doing very well with lessons. . Lesson learned. I just keep to myself and know that things will work out in the end for some new people and if not then there will always be other opportunities.
Ahhh.. a nice warm cup of coffee. 4:15am and I am ready to go.. I have a load of laundry running.. some soft meditative music playing and I am almost getting in the mood to do some hardcore cardio. I think I am going to switch up my routine to an hour of the olliptical and then do some toning of arms and legs as well as some hip abduction and try to do 15 minutes on the stair master. 10 minutes killed me last time but if I keep stepping up little by little.. I will have more strength and will power to do more.
I am still beating myself up over having mcdonalds yesterday. I called my girlfriend and told her that I just can't do it and no matter what I say to convice her to just not go near the golden arches. Tim and I don't go out to eat anymore. It is unnecessary and completely unhealthy.
I told myself when I lost weight that I would never be judgemental towards people who are obese but I cant help myself. I know first hand what it was like being over weight and I did something about it. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make for myself but I stepped up and took the chance. I don't regret it one bit. I went through some hard times with my depression but honestly it was because I was finding myself and being a brand new person. I see people who are extremely overweight and part of me feels sorry for them but the other part of me just see's someone who has given up on life. I don't care who says it.. people who are morbidly obese are not happy no matter how much they pretend to be. I know, i've been there. You may not need to have gastric bypass surgery and you may be totally against the surgery all together, but its been two years for me and it has worked out to be the best decision I have ever made in my entire life. No more quick diets that last a week.. losing 10lbs.. going back to a binge and then gaining more.. I dont have to ask for a table because I cannot fit into a booth, I can go on every ride at six flags twice.. I can put a seat belt on when I fly in an airplane, I can get up off the couch without using all of my efforts. I don't run out of breath when I walk up the stairs, I can go into a store and try on clothes without hating my body in those mirrors, and I can be comfortable and be secure with who I am because I have the confidence that I never had before. I dont need the latest fad. No more cabbage soup diet or smoothie diet. I do enjoy weight watchers and special K diets only because it gives me the nutrition that I need and its quick and convienent. I dont have to worry about my weight fluctuating besides a few pounds here or there because of this surgery and most of all, diabetes hypertension and infertility is never going to be an issue for me.
I used to be a very jealous person. I was very insecure with myself and it was shown with all of my past relationships starting from high school. I had a very good looking boyfriend in high school who was captain of the track team and was in very good shape. A lot of girls found him attractive and looked at him like what is he doing with a girl like me and I knew it. The more these girls did that the more insecure and jealous I was so the weight began. Ultimately the jealously ended our relationship. He went on to be a Marine and is probably doing very well for himself but because of my insecurities things didn't go the way I would have liked them to go. I also know that he wasn't the one for me, but for years I thought it was my fault things didn't work out. I have come to the realization that it just wasn't meant for me and I moved on.
After Mike I dated a few people and got a few notches on my belt. Nothing steady like my high school romance but college was college and boys were boys. When I worked for Verizon Wireless I met a boy named Jayson who eventually moved in with me in a place in Middletown. I too was very jealous with him only because I knew a friend of mine at the time was also interested in him. She was thin and pretty and would sleep with anyone who gave her any sort of attention, so I was worried. I didn't trust Jayson, and because of my insecurites of my weight I gave him a hard time most of the time. I couldn't deal with it so after 8 months of living with him and dating him I packed up my belongings and headed to Arizona to live with a girlfriend of mine and her husband. He was a police officer which was a change of scenery for me considering my group of friends weren't exactly with the law. I knew that their marriage wasn't going to last because she never could keep anything in her life for a very long period of time.. whether it was a friendship, a job, or a boyfriend. She was always looking for the bigger and better deal. Typical narcissist and after about a year of living with that torture I moved back home to live back with my parents for the first time since I was 17.
I think that is when I started to gain the majority of the weight was when I came back from Arizona. I was definietly obese when I went moved out there. I remember not being able to put my seatbelt on and being uncomfortable sitting in the middle seat leaving no room for anyone else sitting next to me, but when I came home I started hanging out with friends, going out to the bar a lot, drinking very heavily and partying all week long. I started working for an insurance company in hartford and I made good money and didn't have any bills so most of my money went towards food, friends, and drinking. Having a sedentary position was the not the best idea. constant sitting, constant eating, no exercise. I must have gained 100lbs in a year and a half. I started hanging around a girl who was very big as well. A few of them actually and when overweight people hang out together they do overweight things. I became very close to my friend Laurie and she always talked about having the surgery but was always scared to go through with the procedure. I wasn't scared. I gave it my all. Two days before my surgery she stopped breathing on her own. She was on life support the entire time I was in recovery of my surgery and two weeks after my surgery she passed away. She was 28 and 550lbs. It broke my heart but she was a big inspiration for me to do what I did and I know that she would be proud of me. I remember having a conversation with her and she said that she was too heavy for the surgery and there was no hope for her. I always was uplifting and supportive and told her that if I do the surgery and show her it was okay then she would have to do it so we could look sexy together. I think she knew her time was coming to an end but want me to succeed and always encouraged me to lose the weight even to her very last day.
Other people in my life weren't as supportive. They were very mean and always had something negative to say about every decision that I made regarding this surgery. They would tell me I was going to die or that I was going crazy but they didn't understand that I was becoming a new person and that my whole life was changing. The more I lost weight the more weight they gained. I don't know if it was because they were upset and it triggered their emotions, but a few of my overweight friends began to resent the fact that I lost the weight. I remember someone telling me that they couldnt even notice that I had lost any weight at all while other people would constantly compliment me on my improvements. I felt sorry for those people. I didnt want to shut them out of my life completely because I knew what it was like to hate and be resentful but ultimatly in the end I stopped talking to most of them.
I stopped talking to most of the people that I was friends with before surgery. Why have friends that bring you down all the time. The friends I thought I could trust turned out to be complete scumbags. The one person I fell in love with treated me like absolute crap and made it an everyday routine to belittle me and crack jokes about me. I didn't need any of that bullshit in my life anymore. I didn't need the fake friends and the fake people who would smile to my face then make fun of me when I left. So I packed up my life and completely shut them out. I know some of them I said some bad things about, but they deserved a lot of it as well. There was not one person in my life at that time that truly was my friend 100% and if they think that they are in complete denial. I at least can admit that I was shit to them because they were shit to me.
I started dating Ben around last February. We met on match.com and we jumped into the relationship very fast. I wanted out of my apartment and he offered to let me live with him. We lasted only about 3 months before I couldn't handle being with him anymore. He is a great friend, but has no idea how to be a good boyfriend and was very selfish. No matter how much I tried to do something with him he just wasn't willing to put forth any effort in being a boyfriend to me. His best friend however would always come around and take walks with me and go out with me when I had noone to hang out with. I broke up with Ben and started dating Tim. We have been together over a year now.
Tim has a 13 year old son who is absolutly wonderful. He keeps me young and alive and definietly busy. We are able to do fun things together and include his son in everything we do. We spent our one year anniversary in Long Island and took Jake on his first ferry ride. We took him to Ozzfest last year and megadeth this year. He is starting school in North Haven this year which is wonderful because we will be able to be closer to his school for lacrosse games and ensuring that he is doing his homework and keeping up with his school work. I am not jealous with Tim. When we go out his eyes are on me the entire time. He loves me for the crazy lunatic that I am and I love him for the sarcastic weirdo that he is. He has also lost a lot of weight. About 120lbs so we have a lot in common. He is just the perfect fit for me.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Four
I woke up and felt great. Although my abs and my legs were killing me but that means that something happened and my body is in motion. I had a bowl of special k for breakfast, a few cups of coffee and about 6 glasses of water so far. I did however cheat and had mcdonalds for lunch... Peer pressure is a definite bitch. I just have to take that as it is and continue and move on with my journey. Tonight I think a bike ride or a long walk is in order. Tim had started with the slim fast and the fiber bars as well. He is having some issues with his blood pressue so we are very motivated in getting back to the swing of things. I don't have the cravings anymore.. but when everyone else was having mcdonalds I thought about it and decided I wanted it also. okay.. its really bothering me that I ate it. so I will work twice as hard in burning it off I guess. Tim and I had a great time together last night. I am very happy that we are taking this journey of losing weight together. I think bonding this way is a very good thing. I cannot wait to marry him and make it official. I dream about having children with him and having out own place. And being healthy is a huge part of being happy. <3
Monday, August 15, 2011
Three
so today was a little bit easier than that last 2. mostly because I kept myself away from boredom and actually did some things other than sit at home staring at the refridgerator all day. I woke up early and went to a friends house and had a couple cups of coffee, a slim fast shake and a protein meal bar. We talked and had a great time had some tuna for lunch and I took her son to the dog park and played around with my Jack Russel Terrorist for a bit. I went home and had another slim fast shake.. bullshitted with my friend for another hour or so and then went home and had a sensible normal meal with tims family. We went to the gym and for 45 minutes we did the tredmill and the stair master. Went to walmart and picked up some more slimfast shakes and some protein bars and even got tim into the whole health kick thing. We are exactly the same weight and have both gained 25 lbs since we've started dating. We are in this together. now as I sit here I am having a nice big green salad and a tall glass of water and calling it a night. I know I need to incorporate more protein in my diet so we are going to start cooking with more grilled chicken and fish. The constant thought of food has subsided and I think god for that. Tomorrow is a brand new day and day 4 of reaching my goal.
goodnight
<3
goodnight
<3
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Two
weekends are tough. Food, family, and friends. It seems everything around me is based on food. however I have been eating faiyle healthy cutting out soda and substituting it with water. I took Jake and Chris to the bike park in Meriden on Saturday then spent the night with my girlfriend Fran and her family. I really enjoyed myself. I have not see Jodi is 6 months and until last night I really had no intention of ever being a part of her life again. But things change and there is no use being angry at things so stupid. I was taking some gas-x because my stomach was not feeling well after the slice of pizza I had that night and because of all the protein bars and slim fast my stomach was not so happy with me. I feel like my relationship with Tim is growing apart. We are both unhappy with the way we look and seeing each other everyday doesnt help either. I want us to be happy and look forward to seeing each other but we just arent like that anymore. I want to spice things up a bit but I dont know how to anymore.
Day 2 I had special k for breakfast, special k protein bar for lunch, slim fast for a snack and two slices of spinach pizza for dinner.
Day 3 I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, 2 slimfast shakes, and a protien bar.. and a fajita for dinner. I had a half a cup of soda but about 4 bottles of water.
Tomorrow if it is nice out I am going to go for a long bike ride and start hitting up the gym. I need to do something because the more I do nothing the more depressed I get.
Goodnight.
Day 2 I had special k for breakfast, special k protein bar for lunch, slim fast for a snack and two slices of spinach pizza for dinner.
Day 3 I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, 2 slimfast shakes, and a protien bar.. and a fajita for dinner. I had a half a cup of soda but about 4 bottles of water.
Tomorrow if it is nice out I am going to go for a long bike ride and start hitting up the gym. I need to do something because the more I do nothing the more depressed I get.
Goodnight.
Friday, August 12, 2011
one
July 7, 2009 I had gastric bypass surgery. I clocked in at 380lbs that day as I entered in the hospital. I have always been overweight and at night each night I would close my eyes and picture a life where I was thin and ultimately happy. However, being thin was blinding and I truly believed that being overweight was the only thing stopping me from being happy. I was wrong. Being overweight that severe and out of control was caused by severe depression and issues that no surgery could cure. I was warned by therapists and doctors that after having this surgery there would be a long and tough road ahead of me, and I thought I understood but I didn't. I had to start my life over from the beginning. I not only had to start over by learning to eat again. (starting from drops of water, to liquids, then pureed foods, and then extremely small portions) but I also had to learn to live again. I had a mask to hide behind called obesity. I had comfort when I needed it. At the end of a long day I could go home, kick off my shoes and eat until I felt better or tired to go to sleep. It was a great coping mechanism and it didn't judge me. But I didn't want to have something like that controlling my life the way it did. I have always been against drug addicts or addicts in general, but I had and still have a huge addiction to Food and it is something that no detox is going to cure. Fiood is something that I need to live unlike substance abuse, food is something that I can die without. I always have to say to myself that I won't die if I don't eat junk food.
It has been two years since my surgery. I have lost 200lbs and gained 20 back from it. I know compared to where I was 20 lbs is not nearly as bad as the 200lbs I could have gained back, but I am scared of going back to the person that I was before. I am starting a new diet today. My goal is to be 150lbs by Christmas and I don't think it is a hard goal to reach. I have already come this far and I know that if I work hard I can do this. I have stopped drinking, its been 2 months since I've been out drinking all night, and I am off all medications except for my vitamins and supplements. I have a good support system and I see a therapist to help with post bypass surgery issues. I have a wonderful family and a fantastic man in my life along with his family. I know that I can do this if I put my mind to it. And today is day one.
Things that are in my way of success: constantly thinking about food. I am always hungry. The surgery restricted me from eating high quantities of food but it also causes faster digestions and ultimately hunger throughout the day. I can eat something and have it digest within the same meal. A constant graze is what I am worried about. If I order something I cannot eat a lot of it in one serving but I can eat it throughout the day. I need to not graze, and I need to cut out all the crap foods. I still have excitement for food. I look forward to the next meal and I always want to go out and everything I like has something to do with food. I think about food constantly.. mostly because I am hungry. Not working also triggers my hunger because I am bored. I need to keep myself occupied and away from the refrigerator. I am done working at a desk all day. I am searching for a job that forces me to stand and walk all day and more social interaction. I cannot work in an office anymore.Office means social events with food and people ordering out. Although I have restriction with Food I don't with beverages and calories can be obtained through drinking soda and other sugar filled beverages. I need to drink a lot more water and a lot less sugar based drinks.
Day 1. Today I woke up at 9am and drove to my parents house. I had a bowl of Special K with Strawberries and some milk. at 10:30 I was hungry again. I had a slim fast shake. around 12:00 I had a hand full of nuts and some celery with a tad of peanut butter. At 2:30 I had a special K protein bar. I also had a cup of black coffee. I plan on walking for an hour or so today, taking my dog for a walk around the neighborhood. For dinner I am thinking a big salad filled with veggies with some oil and vinigar dressing and some grilled chicken on top.
It has been two years since my surgery. I have lost 200lbs and gained 20 back from it. I know compared to where I was 20 lbs is not nearly as bad as the 200lbs I could have gained back, but I am scared of going back to the person that I was before. I am starting a new diet today. My goal is to be 150lbs by Christmas and I don't think it is a hard goal to reach. I have already come this far and I know that if I work hard I can do this. I have stopped drinking, its been 2 months since I've been out drinking all night, and I am off all medications except for my vitamins and supplements. I have a good support system and I see a therapist to help with post bypass surgery issues. I have a wonderful family and a fantastic man in my life along with his family. I know that I can do this if I put my mind to it. And today is day one.
Things that are in my way of success: constantly thinking about food. I am always hungry. The surgery restricted me from eating high quantities of food but it also causes faster digestions and ultimately hunger throughout the day. I can eat something and have it digest within the same meal. A constant graze is what I am worried about. If I order something I cannot eat a lot of it in one serving but I can eat it throughout the day. I need to not graze, and I need to cut out all the crap foods. I still have excitement for food. I look forward to the next meal and I always want to go out and everything I like has something to do with food. I think about food constantly.. mostly because I am hungry. Not working also triggers my hunger because I am bored. I need to keep myself occupied and away from the refrigerator. I am done working at a desk all day. I am searching for a job that forces me to stand and walk all day and more social interaction. I cannot work in an office anymore.Office means social events with food and people ordering out. Although I have restriction with Food I don't with beverages and calories can be obtained through drinking soda and other sugar filled beverages. I need to drink a lot more water and a lot less sugar based drinks.
Day 1. Today I woke up at 9am and drove to my parents house. I had a bowl of Special K with Strawberries and some milk. at 10:30 I was hungry again. I had a slim fast shake. around 12:00 I had a hand full of nuts and some celery with a tad of peanut butter. At 2:30 I had a special K protein bar. I also had a cup of black coffee. I plan on walking for an hour or so today, taking my dog for a walk around the neighborhood. For dinner I am thinking a big salad filled with veggies with some oil and vinigar dressing and some grilled chicken on top.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)