I go to bed at night thanking God that I had today and hope for a tomorrow. I sometimes watch Tim as he sleeps. The sounds of his dialysis machine fills the room with a soft noise that eventually erases from my ears and I too fall asleep. But on an honest note there are times when falling asleep just isn't an option for me. I toss and turn thinking about the day and it's content and I often recite the past couple months through my head over and over thinking about what could have been different to prolong what has happened. I don't have an anwser and I won't ever have an anwser. Thinking we could have changed something we did is just being in denial. Nobody knows why Lupus happened to him and why it caused his kidneys. Nobody knows why there is not a cure for kidney disease and nobody knows what the outcome is going to be with all of this. I repeat these thoughts in my head over and over again and eventually I drift into sleep but then wake up throughout the night having these thoughts linger in my head. Sometimes I have realistic dreams of everyday situations.. some dreams of health and happiness and other nights.. well lets just say that my dreams aren't of happy things. I needed to talk to someone, to stress what I was going through tonight and I thought it would be a good thing to write about this. Someone reached out to me the other day and asked how I was and told me that she often reads my blog but wanted to know how I was Really feeling and I got to thinking... I am not always strong and collected and I don't always have a positive attitude with all of what is going on but, I try my hardest to stay strong for those who are around me and those that need a positive encouragement. Sometimes I am the one that needs the shoulder or the crutch but my entire life I have always stood up and stood strong in hard situations and found that to be therapeautic for me as well. Anyway.. maybe writing this will help me stay asleep tonight. Maybe I can sleep an entire 8 hours without waking up with another thought in my head. Goodnight .
-Jackie
I read this, and you know it. I don't often comment, but that's mostly because I'm usually learning. :) Hopefully the following will be encouraging to you, because I know it is for me when I am feeling "weak" or just bearing my real thoughts about things:
ReplyDelete"26 For you see your calling, brethren, that not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called. 27 But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; 28 and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, 29 that no flesh should glory in His presence. 30 But of Him you are in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God—and righteousness and sanctification and redemption— 31 that, as it is written, “He who glories, let him glory in the Lord.” -1 Corinthians 1:26-31
I love you.